How do we change minds...

I have been educating parents and caregivers on how to create a safe sleep environment for infants and even toddlers for almost two years now. PACS (Parents Against Co-Sleeping) was created we have since removed that fan page and have created PAUSE (Parents Against Unsafe Sleep Environments) a group that educates on how to provide a safe sleep environment for infants because putting your baby to sleep right, helps ensure they make it through the night!

If you are a member of PAUSE or know me it is no secret why I am so passionate about safe sleep for infants, but if you don't know I will enlighten you. My son Jaleel was my third child and I bed shared with him and he died from accidental suffocation while bed sharing. I bed shared unsafely and the result was my 26 day old son died. I did not consume alcohol, was not under the influence of drugs (illegal or over the counter), and I am not obese nor were there anyone in the bed besides myself and my son. I bed shared unsafely because I placed my son on a pillow one time and it only took that once to end his life. It is most likely I rolled over on him based on the position of him and the pillow. Now I have been told by many people who advocate or practice bed sharing that I should educate on how to safely bed share instead of saying no bed sharing. I will agree that if you practice so called "safe bed sharing guidelines" you may decrease the risk of death by a small percent but the only way to reduce the risk of death by 100 % from bed sharing, is not to bed share. In my experience the people who yell the loudest about how bed sharing is beneficial and can be done safely are the same ones who are practicing the unsafest bed sharing practices. That is why my son's story is crucial because it shows what CAN and DOES happen not only when you bed share but when you do so UNSAFELY! I see parents constantly posting pictures of infants bed sharing and not following safe bed sharing guidelines. Examples: Dad bed sharing with baby, siblings in bed with baby, fluffy blankets and pillows near the baby's face, parents falling asleep with their babies in recliners and sofas just to name a few. Not one of these scenarios are safe ways to bed share. I know parents who put their baby to sleep on pillows...the only difference between those babies and mine is that those babies survived! We all need to take responsibility for creating a safe sleep environment for babies and educating parents and caregivers on what a safe sleep environment looks like compared to what an unsafe one looks like. Many parents and even child care providers are unaware of the dangers of a baby sleeping in an adult bed (even if they are the only ones in the bed) or things that should never be part of a baby's sleep space like bumper pads, stuffed animals, blankets, soft mattress or bedding and that is why PAUSE exists so you have a place to get information on how to protect your baby while they are sleeping.

Now like I have stated I have a personal issue to spread the word on safe sleep. I love what I do even though I do not get paid for it. Now when you are a bereaved parent who lost their child to a preventable death you want to tell everyone how dangerous it is and there is a safer way. Like bed sharing is dangerous and a safer way is to room share, but not everyone is willing to listen and that is to be expected. A friend posted a podcast by Carol Tavris "Mistakes Were Made" It was very interesting. It talks about the Theory of Cognitive Dissonance which is when a discomfort caused by holding conflicting cognition's (e.g., ideas, beliefs, values, emotional reactions) simultaneously. In a sate of dissonance, people may feel surprise, dread, guilt, anger, or embarrassment. The theory of cognitive dissonance in social  psychology proposes  that people have a motivational drive to reduce dissonance by altering existing cognition's or adding new ones to create consistency. Basically this means that even when people are shown evidence supporting a different opinion or theory of their own they cling to their opinion and research because they cannot believe or accept that bed sharing is dangerous and they are putting their child's life at risk, so instead they stick to their beliefs and may even believe even stronger when someone tries to challenge their own beliefs or thoughts. They believe bed sharing is safe and they have their own research to back it up. They have to believe their way is the right way, that is it beneficial to not only their baby but to their relationship as parent and child.

Now I have learned a lot in the almost two years I have been advocating for safe sleep for infants. In the beginning I believed everyone who heard the story of my son and his untimely death would have no choice but to agree with me, I found out all too quickly that this is not the case. Although, people sympathize with my loss and feel it is sad they do not believe what happened to me would happen to them. So once again they live in denial and convince themselves that I must have done something wrong that caused his death because very rarely do babies die from bed sharing. Then I realized I need to get them to listen at any cost and there are few tactics to get your point across. One way is the fear based approach where you try to scare them into not bed sharing. Although this may work for some it will not work for everyone and we don't want people to not bed share based on fear we want them to see the statistics and facts and come to the same conclusion we have that bed sharing is a very risky and deadly practice for infants. Then there is the guilt approach where you play the grieving mother card which only makes you look desperate and possibly a nut case who is in need of therapy ASAP. I have used this card many times when people just were not listening. I would try and make them understand the reality that has become my life. Then there is the anger approach where you are now seeing read and you are DETERMINED to MAKE them see it your way!!! None of these approaches work and I would not suggest any of them, a lesson I have learned the hard way. Some people will not listen even if it's approached in a positive way because they believe bed sharing to be safe and nothing you say will change their mind. You need to accept that, but maybe you will educate someone and they will listen and choose room sharing over bed sharing and that is why we do this. Even if only one baby is ever saved, consider it a job well done.

Now I have told you why people stick to their beliefs and the approaches that will most likely not change a person's mind so you may be asking how do we get them to realize the truth. First there are a few things to consider... 1. No one likes to be told they are putting their children's life in danger or felt as though they are not a fit parent, they are stupid, or feel as though they are being attacked. Anyone who is being belittled or feels they are being attack while put up their wall and will not listen to anything you say regardless if you have facts to back it up. So how do we educate without making parents feel we are questioning their parenting skills. We need to present facts of why bed sharing is unsafe while being respectful and compassionate. Remember most of us all bed shared at once so we understand why these parents would do it but we need to educate them so they do not become us. Anger and fear is not the way to do this! Let them know you understand where they are coming from but a lot of research has been done and we are learning more and more. 10, 20, 30's years ago we didn't know what we know now. We didn't know bumper pads, sleep positioners, tummy sleeping, and blankets were dangerous. A lot of lives have been saved due to research and to past babies dying so we could learn more. We now know that bed sharing increases a baby's chance of not making it to their first birthday. We aren't here to judge you, but just to give you the correct information so you can make the best choice for your baby while they are sleeping, after all babies spend most of their days/nights sleeping. Let's work together and protect babies from preventable deaths like an unsafe sleep environments, and make sure we are reaching people through respect, compassion, and understanding. Maybe if we change our approach we can save even more babies lives!!!! Something to think about it!!!